Fred’s New Year’s Resolutions

While the Christworshipservic incident had Fred questioning his new-found fundamentalist faith, he decided to make a personal attempt to enforce his feeble faith by making a list of New Year’s resolutions.  Indeed, he would approach Pastor Funk soon to talk to him about his questions, but until then, he put himself to making a list, and it looks like this:

I, Fred, resolve to do the following in the New Year:

1.  Read the entire Left Behind series, including the prequels, during the month of January.
2.  Give up my Friday night routine of getting a beer-battered fish fry, since beer is evil.
3.  Stop watching TV shows or reading books with any and all references to magic, and stop letting my kids do the same.
4.  Read the entire Chronicles of Narnia series so I can witness to people who watch the movie.
5.  Order boxes of Chick Tracts to pass out.
6.  Always leave those fake $20 tracts when I tip waiters and waitresses in restaurants.
7.  Witness more often.
8.  Witness to Catholics more often.
9.  Witness to Jehovah’s Witnesses more often.
10. Memorize the “Romans Road.”
11. Stop saying “men and women” and only refer to human beings as “men.”
12. Attend church every single time the doors are open for an event.
13. Burn all my Led Zeppelin cds, in case there’s satanic backmasking on them.
14. Burn all my wife’s Barbara Streisand cds, in case there’s satanic backmasking on them.
15. Never pray the Lord’s Prayer, as it might become ritualistic.